It has been about a month since I last wrote – and I have been super unmotivated to write because I am still in a wee uncertain period; I wanted to wait until I had some answers or good news to fill you in on!
Alas, I have no news re: hospital results, I am still not working more than half a day a week- and I spend most of my days either in bed reading (albeit I do quite enjoy this!) – or at least trying to distract my mind from what is next to come in life. Whilst I used to think that ‘the unknown’ was an adventure – I recently have had a lot of anxiety from being so uncertain.
I think that I feel under pressure from the world that I should have my life all worked out by now. I’m 23, I’ve finished university – surely I should be in a better financial position than I am, and saving for a house deposit like my other friends.
I get so frustrated because I know I’m not well enough to work a physical full time job, even though I’d love to work. Not working then means I can’t save for travel, spoil Elliot, or do the things that I want in day-to-day life. I get more frustrated by feeling like I am a broken record, repeating myself over and over. Sometimes I even feel like replying that, “yes, I am better thanks – I feel on top of the world!” Those of you who know me well though can apparently just “tell” when I’m not feeling great.
I know I need to be careful how I articulate these frustrations, as it probably sounds like I constantly feel sorry for myself – and while I don’t deny my odd mid-night melt downs, as I’ve said before, and will say a million times again (and not to boast, but to remind myself of the good things) I am blessed with the best stable relationship with Elliot, and I am surrounded by very supportive friends and family. These wonderful people often stop my melt-downs and put things into perspective for me when I’m too irrational to rationalize things myself.
I think the more I move on in life, I see that this “waiting period” is actually a fabric of life – and it is how we choose to deal with it that makes a difference. It is often encouraging talking to friends, as most of them are in similar “waiting situations” – whether that be waiting for relationships or the “right time” or educational achievements, or career developments, or waiting to have a baby.
I read a fab quote which sums up the way I’m feeling at the moment –
“Unlike coping with bad news, which, though painful, has the clear goal of identifying ways to improve a bad situation, coping with uncertainty requires people to manage hopes and dreams, fears and worst-case scenarios, all without the simple certainty of knowing exactly with what they are coping”
After reading this quote I had a lot of reflection time, and I was reminded that actually I am not in control of my life, and that plans have been promised to me by our wonderful Creator. I just have to get better at waiting, not lose my faith and hope, and continue living my life out of love.
And this is why my blog is called faith, hope, love and a bit of wine. For me personally, these ingredients make the uncertain periods bearable (ok so the wine is a bit of a joke, but it definitely helps raise my mood when socializing with close friends).
One of my all-time favorite quotes is,
“Faith makes all things possible, hope makes all things work and love makes all things beautiful”
Love definitely makes all things beautiful. I am forever thankful that when I gave my life to God, I have had His everlasting love which gives me that much needed peace during my hardest battles.
Since I’ve met Elliot, again I have learnt more and more about unconditional love. Our love for each other doesn’t change, even when everything around us is changing. Yes, we face hard times, and yes, we want to be further along in life than we are, but we both know we have each other to go through life with and that’s the main thing.
During one of my midnight meltdowns Elliot played this song to me – so we decided to mess around and try and record it one night! We don’t own a Ukulele so it is without music. Also, please ignore the off-pitchness here and there – we both have hayfever and really the song is too high for me! But I hope you enjoy the video, it definitely changed how I was looking at the current uncertain period and made me grateful for the certainty amongst the sea of uncertainty
Until next time,