Maybe it’s because it has suddenly gone cold, or that it’s Elliot’s birthday and I’m not there to celebrate it with him, or that I’ve just put my body through a ridiculous amount and expecting too much… I’m not too sure but I’m feeling a little blue.
Don’t get me wrong, I am loving being surrounded by family, and the frosts are making me feel all Christmassy (and I bought a Christmas jumper this week!) I have been blessed with amazing work, and things are falling into place (although this seems slow!)
I just can’t seem to shake my in-between slightly blue feeling off. I am absolutely shattered at the moment, and I cannot stop sleeping! (Albeit this is a great excuse for daytime napping in a warm house).
Part of the reason about the way I’m feeling is because I’ve gone from a superbly busy life, to a quiet one… very quickly. I’m slowly getting busier and I’m excited to be going to Switzerland/France to spend time with Emma this week (bring on the mulled wine, Christmas markets,stunning views and a more upbeat blog post next week!)
A positive of having this somewhat quiet life is that I am getting some much needed time alone. The two months leading up to leaving were the busiest (and still the greatest) two months, Elliot and I saw so many places and so many people in that time! Now, I have time to relax, restore my batteries and lots of time to try and join up the million things in my head to try and string thoughts together. I know I’m frustrating to those who love me at times, because although I can talk (and write) for Africa, I can’t often voice my feelings.
And as Elliot says, I have a lot of feelings (mean girls reference for fellow chick flick geeks!) I think my poor mental state has confused people at times, getting confused between my fragile self and being “sensitive.” A load of my closest friends and family often don’t say things to me because they assume it’ll upset me.. But leaving it or hearing it through the grapevine is a lot worse! I do acknowledge it’s extremely hard to guess how someone else will take something though.. And often a catch 22!!
It’s strange really, because those who know me well, know I’m straight up. If I have a problem with you/ something.. you’ll know it… Mostly by looking at my facial expressions. But I don’t/can’t hide important things.. Although I do think a lot about the phrasing when confronting someone (possibly too much)
I also don’t get offended easily.. I think sometimes things go over my head, or because I see the best in that person I disregard comments. I’m so laid back, and have learnt to take things in my stride. But then again, recently, certain things really get to me.. And I have know explanation why.
This is where I think I fall into a category that is similar to many other people in the world; one of my biggest flaws is that for many years I’ve lived my life to please everyone around me.
I’m a little unsure about the reasons for this; maybe I am more insecure than I realize, or simply crave love, or maybe it’s a mixture of things. I do know it has added to my somewhat fragile state, that I have got so worked up about what people think about me I’ve let it control my life
So I acknowledge this flaw, and accept it. I want to change it.. But I find myself falling back into circles… What are people saying about me? Why are people talking about me. And the simple answer is the 95% of the time they aren’t. And the other 5% is because they are genuinely worried for me
I suppose I find this part hard. People who love me, again my closest friends and family, are doing things because they love me. It’s easy for me to love others… Why is it so hard that people love me too? (Please tell me I’m not alone here!)
I would love for us all to be able to spend a day in our friends eyes. See how they see us, and see our beauty in that way. Most people I know seem to be too harsh on themselves,even if it’s just little things… and I’m learning that to love others I need to also love myself. If someone could give me the magic recipe to this I’d be greatly appreciative!
But I suppose for now I revert back to my reality check. Yes I might be somewhat damaged… But hey who isn’t? And I know a lot of people live with no where near as much love as I do.
I watched this clip from an inspirational lady in NZ. She has recently lost her battle to cancer and it was her message to her friends and family at her funeral! I you have time it’s worth a watch
So I sit here smiling. It’s cold outside and I’m about to get up with my youngest cousins and walk to church. I smile because in my short life, I have loved more, I have seen more, I have done more, and most importantly I have been loved more than a lot of people in this broken world. It’s time for me to get comfortable and confident in my own skin, so that I can gain my energy back and fulfill my life goal of loving others no matter what
Eugh I think that’s enough of my messy musings.. Hope you followed! Check in next week for my first Europe travel blog!